Josh and Shelly

Hello all. We are doing well here at the Buck household. Ephram got tubes put in his ears last week and is doing great! He is a bit less fussy, although he has never been fussy baby. :-) We got to the hospital at 6:45 and we were gone before 8:30. Not too bad huh? This should solve his ear infection and numerous fevers issue. Josh continues on working for the church. He and my Uncle Randy have been doing a lot getting ready for the golf scramble on Saturday. It should be a great time. We have heard of numerous people we have never met who will be there, so we are looking forward to that. The house is getting very close to completion. The tile is going in the last few days as well as the elevator. Josh has been in the lower level only once so he is getting excited to see his office and the other areas he will use often. We have been furniture shopping and going to meetings the past week which makes for a busy week. We went to my mom and dad's house tonight for a little swim party. My brother, Derek, is in town from Florida so we've been having lots of family time. It's been great. We all met for dinner in Grand Haven on Monday at my parents RV. The kids went swimming and we went for a few walks. It can be hard for Josh to be in these situations because it becomes so obvious to him what he can't do anymore. All in all, he did really well. After we left, my parents and brother went for a walk on the pier and my mom fell and broke her ankle. She had to have surgery yesterday to have plates and pins placed which put a bit of a damper on things. (Yes, I'm being a bit sarcastic!) She is home and in good spirits. Please pray for her health and for infection to not set in. She was feeling a bit cold and under the weather when we took off this evening. On the way home I saw something that has had me thinking. We were heading east on Lake Michigan Drive toward home when I saw a mother and little boy around four walking on the sidewalk. A large white dog went running for them and jumped on the little boy. This was no mild jumping- the dog was attacking the little boy. The mom lunged forward and wrapped herself around her little boy. The owner was screaming at the dog trying to get it back under control. It all happened in just a few seconds but it really shook me up. I feel like that little boy. It seems like no matter which way I turn, that dog is still coming after me. The attack is relentless. The devil is insisting on this attack. And even when my heavenly Father wraps his arms around me to protect me, I am so scared I try to shake him off too, until I take that second to realize that someone is trying to protect me, not harm me. I'm sure that little boy was not sure what was going on when his mom wrapped her arms around him and yanked him to the side. I find myself pulling away from people lately. These are people who I know God has placed in my life as an encouragement and a positive influence. I know I pull away because my heart hurts. The three year anniversary of Ava's homegoing will be next Friday, August first. This has been another challenging year but one where I realize the constant ache and lump in my throat is much less prevalent. There are still times of such poignant grief yet they are becoming less often. There are still times where I realize that she is never far from my heart. For example, we were at camp last Sunday and I was sitting next to Sarah during the service. Josh had a power point presentation with pictures of all our kids, including Ava. Part way through the worship set, and before Josh was speaking, Sarah leaned over and said, "There's Ava!" Keep in mind that the strongest memories I have of her are at camp, a little over a week before she died. We spent the whole week together there, as a family, and the memories are very special. Well, when Sarah says, "There's Ava," my first gut reaction is to gasp and look. What she meant was "Look. There is a picture of Ava." After three years you would think I would not react that way. I have come to the conclusion that I will probably react that way when I'm 85. I will always be missing my little girl until I see her again. Anyway, a lot of thoughts running through my head, not much structure...typical me.

We had a fun night tonight. We went to Brad and Sarah's house and had a cook out with numerous people from church. We have made such great friends since we moved to Grand Rapids a little over 3 years ago. Looking back, I don't know how we would have made it through the last three years without the support, prayer and love of our church family.  There was a little girl there tonight whose name is Ava. Crazy thing is- they are the family that rent our past house from us while it is for sale. She stays in the bedroom where our little Ava stayed. Two Ava's, one room. 

Josh and I play this sick little game of what we would give to get back to July 31, 2005.  This is the day before Ava died.  This  game also includes Josh not being hurt.  We realize that we would give up any earthly possession to get back the life we had then.  Funny thing is, we're not given this choice. Nothing I can do or say can make time turn back.  The other "funny" thing is, I'm not sure I'd go back if it meant having to be the person I was then.  I'm not sure I'd recognize who I was then, nor really like her. I was much more concerned with what people thought, especially what they thought of me. I now am mainly concerned with what God thinks of me.  Who am I really out to please?  Did all of this happen so that God could make me more like his Son? I surely don't like the situation I'm in, but  I am  trying to trust God, knowing he knows best.

Thank you for all your responses in regards to my feeling depressed. Yes, I realize meds can be a huge help.  Yes, I realize exercise is a huge release. As of right now, I am working at them both. I take the kids to the YMCA 5 mornings a week to work off some stress. It works well with our schedule.  I take off while Josh's caretaker is getting him ready for the day.  I get home right about when he is getting out of our bedroom; just in time to share a cup of coffee together.  Please continue to pray for me.  I do not want to be a discouragement to my family or friends.  I just want to feel some normal... I long for normalcy.

 

I am sorry. I know there are numerous of you who check our blog regularly and have found no new updates. I apologize. I am trying to get back into a routine and it has not been successful as of yet. I did post a huge update about a week and a half ago only to have my computer die on me and not be able to get it back. Yes, that was slightly frustrating! :-)

We have an official move in date: August 22!!!! We are so excited. As far as we understand, it will not change. Painting starts tomorrow and the upstairs floor are laid. Yaaaay!  The kids were able to take their shoes off inside the house and slide around on the floors in their socks. They thought this was great fun. The floor looks gorgeous! I would love to post the latest pictures but can't which leads to my next point of business.

Last weekend, someone stole some things from our home. Not too much was taken, but it still has a tendency to make one feel unsafe.  They took my laptop and our digital camera. I know it is only "stuff."  It can always be replaced. The thing that bothers me the most is losing all our pictures. I got the laptop just a few weeks after Josh's accident and every picture since has been saved on that computer. It really makes me angry. It also makes me angry at myself for not saving them on discs also. These were the only copies. So, if you are stupid like me :-) go and make some copies. If any of you have any pictures that involve our family, we would love to get some copies. All of the pictures of the first few minutes of Ephram's life were there. In the past year and a month, he has changed dramatically. Then I can look at it from another perspective. I have all of Ava's pictures and no little girl. I have few pictures of my little bud but I still have him. Maybe I shouldn't complain huh?

Josh's nerve pain has gotten much better. Thank you to all of you who have been praying for this. We are still in the process of getting his spasms under control. He seems less frustrated with it as of late. He has been busy with church stuff and 311 stuff (our not for profit formed after the accident).  He is speaking next Sunday morning at the West Michigan church camp service. I grew up here and love going back. The service is at 10:45 a.m. in Hastings, MI at Winding Creek Camp for any of you interested in stopping by. He has started working on graphic design again and has found that he can do it with minimal difficulty. This is a blessing.  It's so refreshing to find something that still works like it did before the accident.

We have found an amazing woman who is joining our family three days a week to help around the house and with the kids. Her name is Kathy and Noah immediately started calling her "Aunt Kathy" with no instruction from us. She is a strong Christian woman who is a grandma in her early 50's. God has really blessed us with the right person for our family. Josh has even taken to her which is saying a lot! That sounded bad... my real meaning behind that is that it's hard for him to have people come over to help, because it seems to scream of all the changes our life has gone through in the past year and a half. All to say, we are so thankful that he really likes Kathy.

We had a great 4th of July. We took the fam to downtown GR and enjoyed the fireworks. Even Ephram enjoyed them. We weren't sure if he would love them or be scared, but he just watched in awe. We hit Taco Bell on the way home and the four of us were eating tacos at 12:30 in the morning. The kids thought it was great. I love to make memories like these.

So, why the big lull in updating?  Life has been tough for me. I do not say this so you all can say "Oh poor you" but so that you can pray for me. I have been feeling pretty depressed and very overwhelmed. It's so frustrating to feel so down and just want everything to go away. I have been spending a lot of time listening to praise and worship music, trying to connect with God on a regular basis, even when it seems like the time is so short. I know I am going to the source of my happiness, but my discouragement continues to get me down. I look at how much I have to be thankful for, and I want to smack myself. Problem is, telling this so my heart is a different story. I finally made a trip to see my doctor this week and she had some suggestions. Please be in prayer for our family. Pray that I can be the wife and mother God intended me to be, not the mother who just wants to hole up in my room and just meet everyone's basic needs.

I have been realizing lately how short this life on Earth  really is. Josh's paralysis and the years to come can loom over me and overwhelm me. It is then that I realize that in comparison to heaven and eternity, it is just a flash. I have been listening quite a bit (okay, incessantly) to a song called "Glory" by Selah and Nicole Nordeman.  There is a part that says:

One day voices that lie will all be silenced
One day all that's divided will be whole again
One day death will retreat and wave it's white flag
One day love will defeat the strongest enemy.

So we wait,
For that one day
Come quickly
We want to see your Glory
Every knee falls down before thee
Every tongue offers you praise
With every hand raised
Singing Glory
To you and unto you only
We'll sing Glory to your name.

If you've not heard it, you've gotta go to Itunes right now and download it.  So, why does this song strike me so soundly? The first line say that the voices that lie will be silenced. Those voices right now exist within my own head and I know whose they are. They are not God's. They are Satan's. He loves to tell me I am a failure and incapable. He loves to tell me that I don't deserve the love of a Father who died for me. I know he is wrong. I yearn for the day when all the lies will be gone.

The next line says that all that's divided will be whole again.  I believe Josh's body is divided. It is divided into the functioning and nonfunctioning. When God's Glory is revealed Josh will be able to walk the streets of gold. His body will no longer be divided. Josh's paralysis will only continue until God says it is over, either when he is miraculously healed or God calls him home.

The third line says that death will longer be after the Lord returns. It is sometimes hard for my human mind to understand that one day, the fact that Ava died will no longer separate us. Death will be obsolete. I will be able to see her, smell her, hold her. When I think of a my sweet baby Ava, this is what I think of. Yes, I am clueless if I will still be able to see her as a baby in heaven, but this is what my Earthly mind yearns for. I'm sure that whatever it turns out to be in heaven will be beyond anything I could think of now.

The last line says that one day love will defeat the strongest enemy.  The love that my Father has for me and for each and every one of us will defeat Satan. Wow.  Do I sound like a preacher or what? I'm not trying to be preachy, just letting you know how God is using a song to speak to my hurting heart.

I think that's all for now. Thanks for reading, you have officially read a novel if you got all the way to the end. God bless!

This July 26th is the second annual Josh Buck charity golf scramble. This year it is called "Driven Scramble."

• It will be held at the 4.5 star Pilgrims Run  in Sand Lake Michigan.
• $125 per person ($500 per team) includes green fees, cart, a practice bucket of balls, free Starbucks coffee, catered lunch, and an embroidered polo shirt.
• Proceeds to go to Josh Buck and 311 Ministries,
• Golf gear giveaways

There are only 36 teams available.  The registration deadline is July 15. 
Go to  www,drivenscramble.com for more information and to sign up.

It's been so long since we updated that even though I don't intend on making a long post,, I still think I should write something.

Today we celebrated Noah, Zoe, and Ephram's birthdays. The Bucks, G-ma & pa Buck, G-ma & pa Syswerda, Grates, and Emersons were in attendance-- drinking beverage, eating chips, and devouring and 6 feet of sub.

All three kids opened presents, with the big hit being a trampoline purchased by G-ma & pa Buck and G-ma & pa Syswerda.

After we sang happy birthday (Noah played the mandolin... kinda), the adults sat outside on the patio and talked while the kids played in the sprinkler and screamed. It was a pretty great day.

One update that is very important... Shelly is feeling much better. The cortisone shot really did the trick.  So between the hysterectomy and the nerve pain, Shelly is finally feeling pretty good.  Amen!  This topic deserves much more attention than this, but I'm still wanting to get to bed soon.  I'll make Shelly post a little bit about it too.

Thanks.  We love you all and are so thankful for your prayers.

The momma is back in town!  Today I went to the pain clinic and had an injection of cotizone shots into the effected area. As of right now, the pain is minimal which is a huge blessing. I think they finally have an idea what is going on so that feels reassuring.

Josh and I got married 8 years ago today. We got married on a gorgeous Friday evening in downtown Grand Rapids and rode up to our reception in a horse drawn carriage. It was an evening I'll never forget. Eight years later and still going strong.

Josh has been having a lot of nerve pain the past 24 hours. He was extremely discouraged this morning. He is laying next to me right now, unure of how well he will sleep. Please keep him in your prayers. The nerve pain is very difficult for Josh because it is a burning sensation and their is little he can do about it. Please pray that the Lord continues to uplift his spirits.

My cousin Erin was in town for her wedding shower this weekend. She lives in NYC so I don't get to see her too often and she is like my kindred soul. I love to spend time with her. She is getting married in October and Josh and I are taking a road trip out to the East Coast for the wedding. It was fun to see her and see how the plans are coming. I am hopefully going out in July for a night or two for her personal shower. She has been such a huge support to me and I would like to do the same for her. And, considering I'm her favorite cousin, I'd better be there... just kiddng!

Noah and Zoe are spending this week adjusting to being home. We don't have any big plans. We let them fill up the pool for the first time on Saturday. They loved jumping off the mini trampoline and into the water. Ephram loved watching them! I was hoping to get some pics but have had some trouble locating my camera charger.  Woops. :-)

That's all the exciting news here. Zoe has her first ballet recital on Wednesday so I'll have to post some pics. G and G Buck are coming from Indiana to see her. She is psyched!

Just a quick update... Shelly came home Friday at about noon.  This was a little sooner than we thought.

There has been no treatment for the pain yet.  Apparently that is not going to happen until June 9.  Ridiculous.

On the upside, Shelly's oral pain meds are not leaving her flat on her back.  The pain does get pretty bad every couple hours, but she also has moments when she feels pretty good.

More updates soon.  Thank you for your prayers.

I just wanted to give you a few more details...

 

For the first two weeks Shelly was feeling better every day.  Some people said that she was up and around too much, but she was really just being Shelly.  This past Sunday she started feeling a little bit of pain near one of her incisions.  She made nothing of it at first, but by Monday morning it was pretty bad.  I told her to go into a med center.  They wouldn't treat her there so she went to the ER.  Once at the ER they gave her a CAT scan and an ultrasound.  They were thinking it could be an abscess, a hernia, or an infection.  It was none of those.

 

Before she left, I reminded her to tell the doctors what happened in her abdomen 10 years ago.  About a decade ago Shelly had her gallbladder and appendix out.  Over the next few months she had some unexplained pain in her abdomen.  It got so bad that eventually Shelly's parents put her on a plane to Mayo Clinic.  Once there, what had been undiagnosed pain for several months was quickly healed with a shot of cortisone right into her surgery area.

 

We told the doctors about this on Monday, and by Wednesday they had ruled out everything else.  Shelly has been on narcotic pain medication up until today when they switched her to oral pain medication in preparation for sending her back home... and no treatment yet, just pain meds.

 

The "pain clinic" came in to do a workup on giving her a shot.  But for some strange reason they cannot operate inside the hospital.  Shelly will have to get an appointment with the "pain clinic" after she gets out.  Their first opening date is June 9.  This is just not acceptable.  Why did she need to sit at home drugged up for 10 days before she can get the shot that took four hours to get a decade ago?  I am very very frustrated.

 

Yesterday, Jean alluded to another situation I'm pretty frustrated about.  My kids need to feel like they can have a normal routine at home.  They are missing end of the school year zoo trips and picnics because of this.  I was lucky that Zoe told me about her end of the school year program today, or I would've missed that too.  The conversation went like this,

 

 

"Daddy, do I have school tomorrow?"

"No baby, today is your last day for the whole year."

"Oh.  We are having a program with a CD with all the songs on it and we are dancing and stuff and all the mommies and daddies are coming.  So you'll have to get somebody to bring you, right daddy?"

"Umm... absolutely baby."

 

They just need a normal routine.  They are very resilient, and are very strong.  But they are dealt with more than many of us deal with our whole lives.  I just want them to be kids.

 

Pray for us.  Pray that we have enough of volunteers to get us through to whenever Shelly can be back up to speed.  Pray for Zach and Rachel as a spearhead the charge while looking for jobs!

 

I don't know why we continue to roll out difficulty after difficulty around here, but I'm sick of it.

 

I don't know what this means spiritually yet. I don't think I'm supposed to.  I know that I'm still on God's team.  I know he has a plan, and I want to be a part of that plan...  no matter what that part is.  But I would be nuts if I didn't admit that sometimes I feel like our family is the team whipping boy.  Forget the big plans and grand schemes... just give me a mundane and average for a couple decades.

 

Sorry to vent.  Shelly does it sometimes, so I guess it was my turn.  Pray for us.

 

This is Shelly's mom, Jean, reporting in for her. She told me this evening to post some information. She is currently in the hospital again, has been there since Monday, with complications from her surgery a few weeks ago. She asks for prayer for her quick recovery, for the kids and Josh at home, and for our angels of mercy Zach and Rachel who have again stepped in to hold down the home front. Shelly and Josh are both having a difficult time dealing with this latest challenge. The why question has popped up. Mostly they are both concerned for kids who need to know life can be "normal." Pray for all of us, OK? We're dependent on those of you who hold us up before a God whose ways we don't always understand.

Things on the homefront continue on as normal. Josh's mom and dad are in town for the holiday weekend. We will be cooking out with friends tomorrow here at the house. Josh and I have always loved entertaining, and that has not changed since the accident. We are looking forward to it.

So, today I was posed an interesting question that I seem to encounter very regularly. When other mothers see you out and about with a child or children, you are often asked how many children you have. After almost three years, I still do not have a great answer for that one.  I have read of many mothers who have no problem with answering.  Some answer with the number of children they have living, others just say the total number.  Me, I'm a total number girl.  The only problem is- sometimes the conversation continues to how old are they? Hmmm.. this one always gets me a bit nervous cause I realize this could lead into an uncomfortable conversation.  I have even met one that says she has "two that walk and one that flies." I am not really comfortable with this answer.  I'm still at the point where I usually say 4 unless I figure we may have time for the converstation to continue.

Just 3 weeks after Ava died, we went to some friends for dinner.  They had some neighbors stop by to see our friend's new baby girl.  When they were leaving they asked how many children we had and Josh replied two.  I thought I was going to puke and punch him at the same time.  I felt like we were not acknowledging who she is in our lives.  Now, after almost 3 years, I find myself doing the same thing at times.

I remember reading somewhere that losing your parents is like losing your past, but losing your child is like losing your future.  This really captures how I felt soon after we lost Ava.  It left so many questions in my mind, what were we going to do now, would we move back to the home where she died, would our kids remember their little sister (I now see this is my responsibility)?  How was I going to continue on living and still be a mom who functioned for the rest of the kids.  I didn't want my kids to look back at this time and think, "this is when we lost my mom, not just my sister."  I still desired for my kids to have a happy childhood. I wanted my kids to be able to look back and see how present the Lord was through this ordeal, how he continued to be faithful to us even when we couldn't see it through our sorrow.

I realize now how differently Josh and I reacted to Ava's death emotionally. This was addressed while we went to see an amazing Christian counselor for a few months. There were so many feelings hurt, so many things we wished we could have done different, but the past was over and we couldn't change them.  But we could change how we started hadling the future. We realized it seemed a little screwed up, but if we wanted to continue our friendships with those who had fallen off the map, it was us who were going to have to make the effort.  I really balked at this idea and then realized I was just being totally selfish. Just because I lost a child did not give me permission to become self-involved.

Josh and I made a promise to each other, less than 8 hours after Ava died, that we would talk to each other.  There were so many horrible things running through my mind that I would never have admitted out loud.  Josh started by saying something that I couldn't believe he would admit and it opened up a huge door of communication for us.  I remember admitting to thoughts that I couldn't believe I had, but I did.  

One other thing we said from the start was we were going to cling to God, knowing he had a plan- even if we couldn't see it. I knew I was not going to like his plan, I never would, but I have never doubted that God knows better than I do. Yes, I still want Ava back into our family, but this is not possible during our Earthly life.  I believe, 100%, that we will again be reunited with her. This life is just a blink of an eye, I will have plently of time to enjoy her come heaven.