Josh and Shelly

Since Josh and Shelly still don't have internet connections, I thought I'd quickly let you all know that moving day went well. Actually, it was fabulous. Wonderful. Excellent. Amazing. Lots of strong arms from Greenhouse showed up to help. Plus two kind men and their big truck. Plus two of my old friends (old as in they've been friends a long time!) with delicious food for everyone. Everything was out of the old rental house and into the new house by around 4 or 5. By 7 p.m. all beds were made and the kitchen was pretty much unpacked. I'll let Shelly fill in the details of the kids' reactions and all the other feelings, but those are the bare details of a very wonderful day.

I've been at Shelly's every day since helping to get everything in its place. I watched on Saturday as she stood in her new kitchen making sandwiches, a very ordinary but  very special sight. A friend called it claiming her territory in her new home. We're slowly making it feel like home, especially as we get out favorite items that have been packed away since the last move to the rental house. I'm so grateful to all those who have shown the love of God that lives in them by loving on our kids. What a gift of happiness in the midst of so much difficulty!

Jean (Shelly's mom)

Tomorrow is the big day!!! As of 12 hours from now, we will officially be moving!!!!!!!! (How many more exclamation points can I post?) People are arriving around 9:00 a.m. and we will officially be underway. It will be a huge job, but we have many willing hands! Last night, a group of prayer-warriors did a prayer "walk-through." They prayed in every room, and for every family member. We are so blessed. They also gave us a gift called a mezuzah. It is a ceramic plaque, about 2 inches by about 6 inches. In the back of it is a small opening to put a piece of paper with the scripture of Deuteronomy 6:4. "Hear, oh Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One." You place this mezuzah in your doorway and touch it on your way in. The significance of this gift is so touching. We have received many wonderful gifts for our new home but this one will always hold a special place. I will post a picture of it after we place it at our door. The last few days have been full of packing, organizing, and planning. I don't always work so well under this type of pressure. It stresses me out. Josh said sarcastically, "Yeah, we've endured a lot. Paralysis and all... but it was moving day that was the end of us!" Giggle giggle. The kids are excited about the move. Noah can't wait for the swing in his new room and Zoe wants to see the rainbow painted on her wall. Ephram just sits around grinning. We will be trained tomorrow in the use of all the features of the house that will make Josh's life easier. Because we have not been trained, we have not been able to see them in action. So starting tomorrow, Josh will have a ceiling lift, an elevator, doors that open by remote, sinks and stoves he can pull under...the list goes on. The blessing of this house is beyond comprehension. For some reason, God chose to place us on the heart of a spiritual leader who felt it was his job to get something started. The "something" is a beautiful home for our family. Thank you to all of you who have prayed so diligently through this process. The people we have worked with have been wonderful. Everyone has been so generous and genuine. We have made great friends in the process. We are grateful. So grateful. The dream is becoming a reality.

Josh got so many birthday wishes I couldn't figure out how to post them all. I gave up and decided to post.

32 years ago, around 8:00 in the evening if I remember correctly, Josh entered this world. He has brought so much joy to my life. He continues to make me laugh, encourage me, and lift me up to our heavenly Father. He continues to be a dedicated father and husband, and makes me proud almost every minute of the day. He continues to handle this hurdle in his life with dignity and poise which is only God given. 

We are moving in on Friday if all goes as planned. The lower level will be finished in the beginning of September, but the upper level is very livable.  I can't believe this if finally happening.  I cannot wait for people to come in and see the house that God's people built. Pretty incredible.

I took the two older kids to Target this morning to buy daddy some presents.  Each picked him out a DVD about Earthy produced by PBS and we all watched it together this afternoon.  Zoe was the wrapping master and wrote out cards to Daddy (even filling out the one from me, signing it from "Shelly") and was beyond proud of herself!  We went out to Carrabba's for dinner with my mom and dad and Holly and Jay.  It was very nice.  We then went on to meet a large group of friends later at a restaurant and had cake shaped like a bear (long story, don't ask!).

I am heading off to sleep. I have plenty to do to keep me busy before Friday so this little momma is hitting the hay!

Happy birthday, Josh! Wish Josh a happy 32nd birthday today!

 

Today was amazing. 

Really amazing. :-)

Yesterday evening, Josh and I headed down to Marion, IN to be a part of a golf scramble to benefit our ministry and family. It was an uneventful night (this is saying a lot considering we stayed at a hotel- not easy for us newbies in the area of quadriplegia) and did not run in to any major difficulties. We arrived at the golf outing around 10:00 a.m. and were greeted by many family members and friends. The feeling of love was overwhelming to us both at times. For Josh, to return to his hometown, see so many familiar faces, many of whom he has not seen in years, and feel such a strong support system was amazing. He had a perpetual grin on his face. I love to see him glowing!

The outing was a complete success, with many friends and family putting in countless hours of hard work. We know how much people have sacrificed to make this outing a success. We say thank you from the bottom of our heart.

Josh had a chance to share from his heart during the lunch portion of the scramble. To hear how God continues to work in his life makes me a proud wife. :-)  We have many dreams and are praying for God to put some clarity to the plan. We both know that God wants us to use this for his glory, we are just unsure how this will take place.  Please be in prayer for us as we attempt to finish up our 501(c)3 status and have to have a clear, concise synopsis of what we are attempting to do. You know any form of a "synopsis" is difficult for me. I tend to run on and on and on... you get the picture.

We move in to our new home two weeks from today. The sod was laid yesterday and it looks absolutely amazing. The garage door is laid out in the garage, ready to be installed. I never thought I'd be so excited over either, but I am! Josh's lift system is ready to go, able to get him in and out of bed with ease, into the bathtub if he so chooses, and onto different workout equipment.  The blessings just keep on coming.

Some friends are throwing us a housewarming party on Sunday (much undeserved but greatly appreciated) and we are getting excited. We just heard that the boys are invited so we are even more excited. Yes, Josh does care about the color of the towels, the light fixtures and most everything in between. He may not be your typical male, but that's what makes him who he is and why I like him so much!

Thank you to all of you who continue to follow us, pray for us, support us, and continually check up on us. We are truly blessed!

Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." TNIV This verse has been very close to my heart over the last few days. I had a conversation with my mother-in-law last weekend that really solidified this verse for me. First, some previous information thay may be helpful. Three years ago today our daugther, Ava Nicole, left this world to live with her heavenly Father. The past three years have been a major uphill battle but the Lord has been near to us through it all. After we lost Ava, the mental pictures of that day were nearly controlling my mind. I began to ask for prayer, specifically that the Lord would take these pictures from my mind and replace them with memories and peace. Fast forward three years and to my conversation last weekend. We were talking about Ava and how we have come so far since her death. We talked about how three years ago, before Ava's death, we were different people than we are now. Yes, it has been hard, but the growth that takes place is immeasurable. We went on to talk about how we remember her. The only word I could think of to describe that point in my life and the memory of Ava is "bittersweet." My memories are no longer of that horrible day and the pictures that went along with that. God granted many peoples prayers. Today, I remember her sweet little face. I remember taking her to the zoo and how contented she was all day in her car seat. I remember the day she was born and I was so drugged that I kept falling asleep right after she was born. The doctors thought it would be a few hours and it turned out to be only a few minutes. :-) I remember how we felt our family was complete. The day we brought Ava home I was sad that our birthing days were over. My memories also include the time after her death. We spent about a week at the lake a few days after she died, just to get away. I remember thinking that if my heart could crush my body, it would. I thought I would never take a bite of food with enjoyment ever again. Swallowing past the lump in my throat was difficult for months. I remember standing at Zoe's and Noah's cribs every evening and thanking God for getting us through another day. But the funny thing is, the pictures of that day and that hour of wondering if she would survive or not no longer have control over my mind. God granted the prayers of many and relieved me of carrying that burden. I don't think I would be the person I am today if I had to carry those pictures around in my head. Through this all, my God has given my many things. He gave me a closer relationship with those around me, he gave me another wonderful son, he saved my husband when he should have died, but most of all, he have me Himself.

This is Jean, Shelly's mom, highjacking their blog to let you in on some exciting information. THE MOVE IN DATE HAS BEEN SET. Oh, well, maybe Shelly already mentioned that they will be moving into their wonderful new home on August 22. The house is in its final stages, with tile and plumbing and landscaping going in.

To celebrate and to help outfit this new home, Shelly's friends from Greenhouse, their church, are having a housewarming party on August 10, 2:00 p.m. at the church on 1513 E. Fulton SE, Grand Rapids, MI 49516. A number of friends and family received invitations, but we also wanted to open this up to Josh and Shelly's faithful friends on this blog. If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you there. Please let Julia132@aol.com know that you plan to attend. Shelly is registered at Bed Bath and Beyond and at Target. 

To those of you who I KNOW will ask if I don't mention it here, my ankle is healing fine. I went to the surgeon yesterday and had the stitches removed from the 4" incisions on each side of my ankle. Lots of blood and drainage and bruising and swelling. Too much information? OK, I'll move on. I have a new, removable cast and in 2 weeks I can get rid of this knee cart and start walking on it. Anyone who wants to see the xray picture of the huge plate and screws that now reside in my ankle, just let me know. I have it in my purse!

As many of you know, tomorrow is the third anniversary of the day we lost Josh and Shelly's precious little Ava. We'll commemorate the day together as a family in the way that has become a tradition already. I have a "memory" craft for everyone to make. We'll bring our creations out to Ava's grave, and we'll let pink balloons go.

When we get close to these anniversaries, I still have to remind myself why I'm feeling sad and anxious. Perhaps its because these experiences and the feelings that go with them are not what God planned for us as human beings. When sin entered the world, so did the death of little ones like Ava, and so did the sadness and anxiousness. But we've still retained our original design within ourselves, that this is not the way it was meant to be. So we're surprised by the experience and by the feelings that go with it.

Well, I've gone on a lot longer than Shelly probably intended when she gave me permission to "highjack" their blog. Oh well, open the door and I'm gonna go through, broken ankle, tears over Ava and all...

 

Hello all. We are doing well here at the Buck household. Ephram got tubes put in his ears last week and is doing great! He is a bit less fussy, although he has never been fussy baby. :-) We got to the hospital at 6:45 and we were gone before 8:30. Not too bad huh? This should solve his ear infection and numerous fevers issue. Josh continues on working for the church. He and my Uncle Randy have been doing a lot getting ready for the golf scramble on Saturday. It should be a great time. We have heard of numerous people we have never met who will be there, so we are looking forward to that. The house is getting very close to completion. The tile is going in the last few days as well as the elevator. Josh has been in the lower level only once so he is getting excited to see his office and the other areas he will use often. We have been furniture shopping and going to meetings the past week which makes for a busy week. We went to my mom and dad's house tonight for a little swim party. My brother, Derek, is in town from Florida so we've been having lots of family time. It's been great. We all met for dinner in Grand Haven on Monday at my parents RV. The kids went swimming and we went for a few walks. It can be hard for Josh to be in these situations because it becomes so obvious to him what he can't do anymore. All in all, he did really well. After we left, my parents and brother went for a walk on the pier and my mom fell and broke her ankle. She had to have surgery yesterday to have plates and pins placed which put a bit of a damper on things. (Yes, I'm being a bit sarcastic!) She is home and in good spirits. Please pray for her health and for infection to not set in. She was feeling a bit cold and under the weather when we took off this evening. On the way home I saw something that has had me thinking. We were heading east on Lake Michigan Drive toward home when I saw a mother and little boy around four walking on the sidewalk. A large white dog went running for them and jumped on the little boy. This was no mild jumping- the dog was attacking the little boy. The mom lunged forward and wrapped herself around her little boy. The owner was screaming at the dog trying to get it back under control. It all happened in just a few seconds but it really shook me up. I feel like that little boy. It seems like no matter which way I turn, that dog is still coming after me. The attack is relentless. The devil is insisting on this attack. And even when my heavenly Father wraps his arms around me to protect me, I am so scared I try to shake him off too, until I take that second to realize that someone is trying to protect me, not harm me. I'm sure that little boy was not sure what was going on when his mom wrapped her arms around him and yanked him to the side. I find myself pulling away from people lately. These are people who I know God has placed in my life as an encouragement and a positive influence. I know I pull away because my heart hurts. The three year anniversary of Ava's homegoing will be next Friday, August first. This has been another challenging year but one where I realize the constant ache and lump in my throat is much less prevalent. There are still times of such poignant grief yet they are becoming less often. There are still times where I realize that she is never far from my heart. For example, we were at camp last Sunday and I was sitting next to Sarah during the service. Josh had a power point presentation with pictures of all our kids, including Ava. Part way through the worship set, and before Josh was speaking, Sarah leaned over and said, "There's Ava!" Keep in mind that the strongest memories I have of her are at camp, a little over a week before she died. We spent the whole week together there, as a family, and the memories are very special. Well, when Sarah says, "There's Ava," my first gut reaction is to gasp and look. What she meant was "Look. There is a picture of Ava." After three years you would think I would not react that way. I have come to the conclusion that I will probably react that way when I'm 85. I will always be missing my little girl until I see her again. Anyway, a lot of thoughts running through my head, not much structure...typical me.

We had a fun night tonight. We went to Brad and Sarah's house and had a cook out with numerous people from church. We have made such great friends since we moved to Grand Rapids a little over 3 years ago. Looking back, I don't know how we would have made it through the last three years without the support, prayer and love of our church family.  There was a little girl there tonight whose name is Ava. Crazy thing is- they are the family that rent our past house from us while it is for sale. She stays in the bedroom where our little Ava stayed. Two Ava's, one room. 

Josh and I play this sick little game of what we would give to get back to July 31, 2005.  This is the day before Ava died.  This  game also includes Josh not being hurt.  We realize that we would give up any earthly possession to get back the life we had then.  Funny thing is, we're not given this choice. Nothing I can do or say can make time turn back.  The other "funny" thing is, I'm not sure I'd go back if it meant having to be the person I was then.  I'm not sure I'd recognize who I was then, nor really like her. I was much more concerned with what people thought, especially what they thought of me. I now am mainly concerned with what God thinks of me.  Who am I really out to please?  Did all of this happen so that God could make me more like his Son? I surely don't like the situation I'm in, but  I am  trying to trust God, knowing he knows best.

Thank you for all your responses in regards to my feeling depressed. Yes, I realize meds can be a huge help.  Yes, I realize exercise is a huge release. As of right now, I am working at them both. I take the kids to the YMCA 5 mornings a week to work off some stress. It works well with our schedule.  I take off while Josh's caretaker is getting him ready for the day.  I get home right about when he is getting out of our bedroom; just in time to share a cup of coffee together.  Please continue to pray for me.  I do not want to be a discouragement to my family or friends.  I just want to feel some normal... I long for normalcy.

 

I am sorry. I know there are numerous of you who check our blog regularly and have found no new updates. I apologize. I am trying to get back into a routine and it has not been successful as of yet. I did post a huge update about a week and a half ago only to have my computer die on me and not be able to get it back. Yes, that was slightly frustrating! :-)

We have an official move in date: August 22!!!! We are so excited. As far as we understand, it will not change. Painting starts tomorrow and the upstairs floor are laid. Yaaaay!  The kids were able to take their shoes off inside the house and slide around on the floors in their socks. They thought this was great fun. The floor looks gorgeous! I would love to post the latest pictures but can't which leads to my next point of business.

Last weekend, someone stole some things from our home. Not too much was taken, but it still has a tendency to make one feel unsafe.  They took my laptop and our digital camera. I know it is only "stuff."  It can always be replaced. The thing that bothers me the most is losing all our pictures. I got the laptop just a few weeks after Josh's accident and every picture since has been saved on that computer. It really makes me angry. It also makes me angry at myself for not saving them on discs also. These were the only copies. So, if you are stupid like me :-) go and make some copies. If any of you have any pictures that involve our family, we would love to get some copies. All of the pictures of the first few minutes of Ephram's life were there. In the past year and a month, he has changed dramatically. Then I can look at it from another perspective. I have all of Ava's pictures and no little girl. I have few pictures of my little bud but I still have him. Maybe I shouldn't complain huh?

Josh's nerve pain has gotten much better. Thank you to all of you who have been praying for this. We are still in the process of getting his spasms under control. He seems less frustrated with it as of late. He has been busy with church stuff and 311 stuff (our not for profit formed after the accident).  He is speaking next Sunday morning at the West Michigan church camp service. I grew up here and love going back. The service is at 10:45 a.m. in Hastings, MI at Winding Creek Camp for any of you interested in stopping by. He has started working on graphic design again and has found that he can do it with minimal difficulty. This is a blessing.  It's so refreshing to find something that still works like it did before the accident.

We have found an amazing woman who is joining our family three days a week to help around the house and with the kids. Her name is Kathy and Noah immediately started calling her "Aunt Kathy" with no instruction from us. She is a strong Christian woman who is a grandma in her early 50's. God has really blessed us with the right person for our family. Josh has even taken to her which is saying a lot! That sounded bad... my real meaning behind that is that it's hard for him to have people come over to help, because it seems to scream of all the changes our life has gone through in the past year and a half. All to say, we are so thankful that he really likes Kathy.

We had a great 4th of July. We took the fam to downtown GR and enjoyed the fireworks. Even Ephram enjoyed them. We weren't sure if he would love them or be scared, but he just watched in awe. We hit Taco Bell on the way home and the four of us were eating tacos at 12:30 in the morning. The kids thought it was great. I love to make memories like these.

So, why the big lull in updating?  Life has been tough for me. I do not say this so you all can say "Oh poor you" but so that you can pray for me. I have been feeling pretty depressed and very overwhelmed. It's so frustrating to feel so down and just want everything to go away. I have been spending a lot of time listening to praise and worship music, trying to connect with God on a regular basis, even when it seems like the time is so short. I know I am going to the source of my happiness, but my discouragement continues to get me down. I look at how much I have to be thankful for, and I want to smack myself. Problem is, telling this so my heart is a different story. I finally made a trip to see my doctor this week and she had some suggestions. Please be in prayer for our family. Pray that I can be the wife and mother God intended me to be, not the mother who just wants to hole up in my room and just meet everyone's basic needs.

I have been realizing lately how short this life on Earth  really is. Josh's paralysis and the years to come can loom over me and overwhelm me. It is then that I realize that in comparison to heaven and eternity, it is just a flash. I have been listening quite a bit (okay, incessantly) to a song called "Glory" by Selah and Nicole Nordeman.  There is a part that says:

One day voices that lie will all be silenced
One day all that's divided will be whole again
One day death will retreat and wave it's white flag
One day love will defeat the strongest enemy.

So we wait,
For that one day
Come quickly
We want to see your Glory
Every knee falls down before thee
Every tongue offers you praise
With every hand raised
Singing Glory
To you and unto you only
We'll sing Glory to your name.

If you've not heard it, you've gotta go to Itunes right now and download it.  So, why does this song strike me so soundly? The first line say that the voices that lie will be silenced. Those voices right now exist within my own head and I know whose they are. They are not God's. They are Satan's. He loves to tell me I am a failure and incapable. He loves to tell me that I don't deserve the love of a Father who died for me. I know he is wrong. I yearn for the day when all the lies will be gone.

The next line says that all that's divided will be whole again.  I believe Josh's body is divided. It is divided into the functioning and nonfunctioning. When God's Glory is revealed Josh will be able to walk the streets of gold. His body will no longer be divided. Josh's paralysis will only continue until God says it is over, either when he is miraculously healed or God calls him home.

The third line says that death will longer be after the Lord returns. It is sometimes hard for my human mind to understand that one day, the fact that Ava died will no longer separate us. Death will be obsolete. I will be able to see her, smell her, hold her. When I think of a my sweet baby Ava, this is what I think of. Yes, I am clueless if I will still be able to see her as a baby in heaven, but this is what my Earthly mind yearns for. I'm sure that whatever it turns out to be in heaven will be beyond anything I could think of now.

The last line says that one day love will defeat the strongest enemy.  The love that my Father has for me and for each and every one of us will defeat Satan. Wow.  Do I sound like a preacher or what? I'm not trying to be preachy, just letting you know how God is using a song to speak to my hurting heart.

I think that's all for now. Thanks for reading, you have officially read a novel if you got all the way to the end. God bless!